Assertiveness and Self Confidence. The Perfect Win-Win Situation

Assertiveness is a fantastic quality to have and really enhances self confidence which in turn provides motivation to achieve the goals in life we most desire. Assertiveness is very much a word that is heard from people coaching personal development and is a subject that is preached in many a sales training course.

So what is this great attribute called assertiveness?

Can it be learned?

Answering the second question first; yes definitely it can be learned, if that person so desires to learn this skill.

The answer to the first question is slightly longer. Assertiveness is the ability to express upon others your emotions, principles and desires without treading on the other persons toes; infringing their rights and desires. This must be done without being aggressive. The opposite end of the scale is to be passive, where we would constantly say “yes” to others just to please and as a consequence we violate our own rights. Some people have explained assertiveness as the art of saying “no”. http://www.2knowmyself.com/

Assertiveness is about being in control, not showing anger when explaining what we want. It is the middle ground between aggression and passiveness. The relationship between aggression, passiveness and assertiveness was once explained as

Aggression – I win , you lose
Passiveness – I lose, you win
Assertiveness – I win, you win

A lack of assertiveness is a behavioural trait that has been learned to help deal with others, to earn their love or at the very least not to be spurned by them. For this we let go of our rights and create a fear of standing up for ourselves. A feeling of worthlessness comes from saying “yes” when we really want to say “no”. Self confidence can seriously be damaged in the process. But this can change if we make that decision to be assertive.

Unless we are dealing with an over sensitive person, in which case we do need to tread with care, people will admire assertiveness and self confidence. So how do we develop that great quality of assertiveness?

Let’s start with the techniques,

Whenever a favour is asked of us, ask the question, does this request contravene my interests, principles or obligations? If the answer is “yes”, say “no”.
Whenever our rights are trodden on we must stand up for ourselves. It matters not how small the infringement may be, letting an incident go will encourage the subconscious mind to behave the same way next time, and this may well be a greater betrayal of our rights. Constantly practice assertiveness will eventually make it second nature.
Use assertive body language. Body language can either support or contradict assertive behaviour. Standing erect with shoulders back, both feet firmly on the ground with no arms folded and using positive eye contact demonstrates assertiveness and self confidence.
Avoid aggressive behaviour. This will lead others to be resistive and hateful.

It also helps to remember some of these rules.

We all have the right to our own values, beliefs, emotions and opinions.
We have the right to justify and explain our actions to others.
We have the right to tell others how we wish to be treated.
We have the right to say “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand” and in particular, “no”.
We have the right to take the time required to develop our ideas before expressing them.
We have the right to make mistakes (although I hope we learn from them).
We have the right to stand up for ourselves and for what we want.
Particularly, we have the right to be treated with respect. http://www.2kowmyself.com/


Assertiveness is really about communication, in a fashion that is neither aggressive nor passive using both body language and carefully chosen words. Creating a win – win situation develops our own self confidence and motivation and instils inspiration and optimism in others. This is a sign of great leadership.

How fantastic is that?

Terry Norrington

http://www.whatisthemeaningoffaith.com

http://www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/index.htm#terryn1